yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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