we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
