woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
