i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Randomize
