Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
