It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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