"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize