if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
