Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
