I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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