You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
