So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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