Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
