im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
