You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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