i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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