i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
