got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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