I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
