I think I won the penis lottery.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
