I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
