You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
