I want to make a zoo with you.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
