i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
My penis needs a shock collar
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
