Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
