there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
