I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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