The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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