I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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