our cab driver is having phone sex.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
