Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
