OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
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