I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
