Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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