my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
