can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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