you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
