I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
