were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
