70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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