i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
She announced her abortion via fbk
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Randomize
