The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
