I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
