my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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