so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
