I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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