I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
