i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
