You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize