I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
