I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Come share oat with me in your robe
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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