if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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