So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
