Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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