Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
