I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
