i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
