then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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