At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Girls should come with a carfax report
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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