He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
