im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
