im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
