Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
