my mouth tastes like poor choices
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
