If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
