I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
