i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
